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Air
conditioning, the process by which hot and humid air is chemically
cooled before coming into your home, is a necessity in some regions of
the world, regardless of what the environmentalists say. Here is a
step-by-step survival guide in case yours should ever die.
Step 1: Denial
Your
air conditioner will die when it is hot outside. This is a law of
nature. You wouldn't have been using it if the outside temperature
wasn't too warm, and the mere fact that you have been spending your
time in air conditioned comfort will make the outdoors seem hot anyway.
Your first step, then, will be denial. You will be sitting in your home
happily minding your own business when you will notice a slight, almost
imperceptible uncomfortability. "What is that?" you will ask yourself,
having not felt air that hot and humid in your home in quite some time
(for some people, that's never). Your subconscious will know that
something is wrong with the air conditioner, but you will trick
yourself into believing everything is fine for several more hours.
Step 2: The Phone Calls
When
you can no longer deny that your air conditioner has given up the
ghost, you will call in your warranty. Those of you without warranties
will stay in the denial stage for a much longer period of time. When
you call your warranty provider (and can actually manage to speak to a
human being), you will cheerily give them your name, address, and all
other relevant information because they hold the keys to your
well-being and you want to keep them as happy as possible. You might
also throw a little hint of urgency into your voice to try to subtly
get across the fact that this is an emergency and you need them like
you have never needed anyone else before (that whole mother's milk
thing when you were an infant? Meaningless now). The warranty person
will give you the name of a service person near you and you will thank
them profusely and hang up.
Fifteen
minutes or so later (so as not to seem too pushy), you will call the
service person. The service person will tell you that they cannot get
you on the schedule until Monday (because your air conditioner will
naturally die on a Thursday or Friday, and probably right before a
holiday weekend). You will ask if there is no way that they can
possibly get you on the schedule tomorrow, still trying to be polite
and thinking that they will of course realize how much this means to
you. They will say no, they are absolutely booked and can't possibly
see you until Monday.
You
will immediately call the warranty people back and tell them about your
previous phone call. "Can you please find a service person who can come
out tomorrow?" you'll ask. They will put you on hold for a very long
time, which you will endure patiently because you are confident that
they are working hard for your well-being. When they come back, they
will tell you that they have found a service person who has agreed to
put you on tomorrow's schedule, and they will fax your information to
them right away. You thank them from the bottom of your soul and hang
up.
Step 3: The First Night
At
this point you will settle in for a night without air conditioning. You
will find the box fans that have been sitting in your spare room for
months and put them strategically in windows around your house to
maximize airflow. Having done that, you will convince your partner that
it is absolutely too hot to cook dinner and that the two of you should
go out somewhere nice. After all, you deserve it. When you get home,
you will go to bed without any blankets and imagine that you are on
safari with romantic mosquito netting blowing in the breeze from your
box fan.
Step 4: The Morning Phone Calls
You
will awaken early so that you can find out what time the service person
will be at your house that day. When you call the service person, you
will be dismayed to find that not only did they not receive a call
about you the day before, but that they just received the fax about you
twenty minutes ago and it wasn't marked URGENT. They won't be able to
get you on the schedule until Monday. You will plead with them, but it
will be no use. Your voice will now achieve the bitter tone that you
realize you probably should have had the day before.
You
will then call your warranty people, who will have no clue about
anything you are talking about. You will get angry, they will get
angry, and they will tell you that there is nothing they can do for
you. You will hang up.
Five
minutes later you will realize that if you have to wait until Monday to
have your air conditioner serviced, you would much rather have the
first service person you called do the job, since they sounded more
professional on the phone than the second. You will call your warranty
people back, and they will be happy to schedule you with the first
service person again. Now, however, you will find that you missed your
chance to get on the schedule for Monday, and would Tuesday be alright?
Knowing that you are completely powerless in the scheduling department,
and having already resigned yourself to a life of hardship for the
weekend, you will ask, "Do I have a choice?" The warranty person will
sound very sympathetic as she tells you that you don't, and you will be
happy to end your series of phone calls with such a welcome tone.
Step 5: Perfecting Your Suffering
Arriving at work late, you will then set about informing everyone you
know that your air conditioning has died and it will not be repaired
until Tuesday. (The number of invitations to dinner you get over the
next few days will determine just how loyal your friends truly are.)
You will also find a web page with the local temperature and humidity
information, and practice slipping this information into conversation.
When
you arrive home that afternoon, you will lounge on the couch in a
dramatic way that will tell your partner that you couldn't possibly be
expected to behave in any normal sort of way because of the extreme
heat, and would he/she please fetch another fan and the water in the
refrigerator and think of someplace to go for dinner? When, two hours
later, you realize that your partner is both less than sympathetic
about your plight and still expects you to cook dinner, you will go
about your usual evening activities grumpily so that he or she knows
that you are not happy about their attitude.
Step 6: Revelation
It
is at this point that you will experience a change in your perception
of the situation. You will no longer think of yourself as a victim, but
as a champion for the less fortunate. You do not need air conditioning.
You are aware of the environment, in touch with the seasons; earthy.
You welcome the smell of your own sweat with a fervour that none of
your neighbors in their hermetically sealed suburban homes could
possibly comprehend. You alone understand the universe. Suddenly you
will long to hike mountains, fish raging rivers, trek across deserts,
and wear frighteningly little clothing (preferably in the khaki
family). You are a god/dess.
At least until Tuesday.
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What To Do When Your Air Conditioner Dies (UG)